Wednesday, 21 March 2012

Laugh Delhi!

Woman: What is Delhi?
Man: Bitch, its the Capital of India!

Man 1: Delhi a city of call centers and snake charmers.
Man 2: Bastard, it is a huge city that is too diversified for you too generalise the whole of it.

Delhi is Where every US or UK company outsources their jobs to.
"Thank you for calling Dell, please hold for a while and we transfer you to a customer service executive."

Man 1: Wow. That girl is so smart.
Man 2: Must be some sweet Punjabi from Delhi.

Hey I got arrested for kissing in old Delhi.
Hey I need to take a pee. Go do it on the streets.

A city where people will work for $1.00 an hour a job where an american won't do it for $10.00
Cool Dude #1:"Man, all those bastards from Delhi Call centres are stealing all our jobs!"
Cool Dude #2:"There's always McDonalds and KFC"

Some guy: You know Patrick's deli? Wasn't it here?
Other guy: Yeah! He just sold out to some Indian named Rakesh and now they named it The New Delhi Deli.

Dude 1#: Let's go to Chandni Chawk and raom around old Delhi, and gorge on some cheap food and parathas.
Dude 2#: No, dude, let's be Dilli and sip some King Fisher.

Dilip: Hey, I just passed out from College, and I'm moving to this place in Noida. Man, am I still going to be a Delhiite?
Delhiite from Delhi: Yeah dood, chill, you're so cool :)

Monday, 19 March 2012

How old are we, Dear Delhi?

1. Delhi sealing and demolition drive started 6 years ago. But it feels like it was
yesterday that we saw in newspapers.

2. The first modern multiplex was opened in Delhi by PVR Cinemas in 1997. Yes 1997.

3. Daniel Ratcliffe is 23 years of old, Macaulay Culkin is 31 and you are probably at your
work now on a coffee break.

4. Chetan Bhagat’s books have been floating in Delhi since 9 years.

5. The Delhi Metro touched 10 years of operation.

6. Tata Sky was launched in Delhi almost 7 years back.

7. Rajiv Gandhi has was killed 21 years ago.

8. "Papa kehte hai" is a hit from 22 years ago and "Summer of 69" is way older. 27 years
old. Believe you!

9. Britney Spears is 31 and Madonna is 52 years today. And they are NOT touring Delhi this

10. DTC low floor buses have been on the roads since 5 years.

11. New AIIMS flyover was inaugurated 9 years ago.

12. Your nephew who was born yesterday is now friends with you on facebook.

13. Radio Cabs launched in Delhi in 2006. Long back.

14. "Kaun Banega Crorepati" was first aired in the year 2000 and we all went berserk.

15. Remember Mungli and the famous song "Jungle Jungle..pata chala hai". That was almost 17
years ago.

16. Amitabh Bachhan is 69 years, Amir khan is 47 and SRK is 46 years old.

17. Jessica Lal's Murderers are serving sentence since 6 years.  Wasnt it hitting in all newspapers just yesterday?

18. Arundhati Roy's hair is now grey and Khushwant Singh's heart still beats.

19. You are living in Generation Y and you cant turn back time. You can't stay ageless so
enjoy the moment basking on the good ole past!

Friday, 16 March 2012


I want to go horse riding at India Gate with Dr Manmohan singh and discuss the current predicament of Indian Politics. Anna Hazare would be pleading me to ask him to pass his "lok pal" Bill. I will run amok with it. I won't listen. I want to see the color of corruption. I want to play uncommon wealth games with Kalmadi and test his vigour which he gained out of looting hundreds of crores. I won’t stop here. I feel for my India. I want to go to Boston to visit Yuvraj singh and discuss about Delhi restaurants and how madly badly his delhi fans are missing him in the ground. And he won’t be surprised to know that Amisha Patel is doing an item number. He probably knows it by now. If he hits the ground in May I will probably take a hike all the way to Vaishnodevi. Jammu and Kashmir are not far from eachother. I want to meet local people in Kashmir to make sure that Omar Abdullah has given a corruption free governance which he vowed. Let me travel in a curfew jeep to Baramulla and Muzaffarabad to see that the Kashmiri Pandits are still living there happily. I really want to see if "Kashmir is not an integral part of India or its just historical", contrary to what Ms Arundhati Roy preached. I feign to believe that Kashmir was a land of Hindu before Muslim invasion. Taking a plunge from the snowhill to the Southie water will bring some vast change in the scene. I want to compare the hotness of Vidya Balan and Silk Smitha and bring it in a platter to the ministers in the Parliament who were watching pornographic clips during an assembly and shamelessly ask them whom did they actually fantasize. I wish Adolf Hitler still ruled and sent those so called rulers to some nazi extermination camp. The love hate relationship of Narendra Modi and the mass doesn’t haunt me anymore because they both are right to my views. It’s difficult to keep everyone happy. But Gujrat has substantially improved a lot in past 10 years. This says it all. My undue weight related to these controversies will not burn any hair but at least my friends will have a good laugh to my ideas and intelligence that have been brought together in a potluck and this might just make them sit up and think for a while about the whole gist of it. I am not indiphobic nor am asking for a total corrupt free India. It’s not so easy. Rome wasn't built in a day. Let’s just cleanse it. As much as we possibly could. A group of correct young leaders and a strong support towards a positive nation is all we need. Seriously it won’t take much time!

Wednesday, 14 March 2012

Night by Delhi

The sun sets down in the Central Park in Connaught place. Birds stopped chirping. They go to sleep and Delhi wakes up for the second time in the day. Isn't night a part of the day? Jostling crowd in Connaught place reminds us that. People are going back home from office. Prostitutes are out for business, Couples moving in and out from Central Park and hawkers are giving their last shout to sell whatever they are left with at the fag end of the day. The beggar or the homeless is peacefully smoking his joint in the corner without caring the world. You should capture all these in your camera. Daily city life with a difference found only in Delhi.

Welcome to Verma family at Kamlanagar. Mr Verma is on the way to home. Mrs Verma is on the phone with her sister. Neha is studying and texting her boyfriend from her mobile at the same time. Everyone is busy. Her brother has just come from tennis lesson and grabbing a quick snack before he settles in front of the TV. And I'm watching all of them sitting in their living room. Nothing interesting. I move out and take a walk towards Sadar Bazar.

Here its still day time. Traffic jam, mad rush, people shouting, rickshawalas fighting for space to pull along....the entire hustling bustling is its signature. I pull myself in the maddening crowd and oh my God, what a sight! Foreigners would love to talk about it. India is so dirty, this and that. A foreigner guy slipped on cow dung. Immediately a hawker and 2 locals came to rescue him. I stood and watched. Their conversation is barely audible. The foreigner straightened himself up. Now that the hawker lost few minutes of his business time, he is trying to convince the foreigner to sell his stuff. The foreigner is totally speechless and disgusted. I take a look around. The street hawker is selling all toys for 50rs each. Beside him some Holi colors and holi guns are spread out on a white sheet. You have to bargain. And you can't look away because the deals are quite attractive.

I feel hungry but not much. I crave for something sweet. I have a humungous sweet tooth and it asks for more after every meal or whenever I pass by a bakery or some sweet shop. I check into Madan sweets. A typical Punjabi-owned mithai shop. There's a huge photo of their forefather or the original deceased shop owner nicely adorned with an artifical garland. Someone had to carry forward the legacy. I look out for something which I have never eaten before. Yes I found some. Mango Barfi and Badam Pinni. Thats their specialty. Yummy.

Cool breeze asking me to stay out for more. I hear Abeeda Parveen playing in  Humayun's tomb tonight in some Sufi Concert. I have no ticket. My influential friends could not help me this time to my last minute's call. South Delhi brimming with disposable income has lot to offer and it has a whole new kinetic night life. There are around 180 bars in the area. It’s no longer a snake charmer's city. I stride into the most talked about "Urban Pind" in GK1 N block Market. No they did not ask for any entry fee. May be it’s a week day or do I look like some kind of a star? The latter sounds perfect. This tall nightclub has 3 floors including a glass atrium and colorful fluorescent walls depicting the super erotic sculptures of Khajuraho. I walk up to the top floor in the terrace. The crowd is creamer here. People flashing their Dolce n Gabbanas and Fendis. Some of them are loud fake. Mostly are drinking wine and rest are drinking imported beer. They are swaying to the music and air kissing eachother. Fantastic socialising scene of upscale South Delhi. I passive smoke and drink a glass of tap beer. Delhi looks so like Newyork from here. High rises twinkling in the night, starry sky and occasional fire works filling the sky. Someone is getting married somewhere.

 Tired Delhi, busy Delhi, happy Delhi and drunk delhi. I am sort of done now with the delhiness of Delhi. I take out a "chillar" for the old beggar hiding between a Mercedes and a Maruti 800. I don’t care if he buys bun bread or some weed for his dinner. I am totally done with this heady night or day...whatever!!

Sunday, 11 March 2012

Delhi do's!

New to Delhi? Mind these things if you are a foreigner. Call it a culture shock or some kind of valued information that I'm passing on:

1. Some airport gates actually dont lead anywhere or to a blank wall so please take assistance from the security/police person for direction. They are everywhere in the airport.

2. Auto rickshaw drivers say no to change. He will only give you change if you refuse to pay the entire amount. He will somehow find change and give you.

3. Not much Delhi girls show off their legs. But you have other things to look at.

4. Taxi or Rickshaw drivers charge almost double or little less than double after 10pm. But you can bargain.

5. Keep this telephone number handy for any help or information: 011-22222222.

6. Public toilets are dirty and not everywhere there is an option for the ladies. In the time of need just get into fancy restaurant for the purpose.

7. Delhiites speak clear English and sometimes way better than the ones whose native language is English.

8. Don’t carry much money with you if you are just out for sightseeing or knick-knack shopping. Also carry a Xerox copy of your passport details and the hotel visiting card.

9. Some Indian men hold hands in the streets and also keep hands across each other's shoulders while they are not necessarily gays.

10. Monuments and tombs are not to miss at all. They are quite significant to the history of building Delhi.

11. Crossing street could be a challenge so dont try it if you are not comfortable. Rather take the underpass or foot bridge or walk to the next Red light.

12. Many beggars on the Delhi road, specially at the red lights. You can either look away or just smile at them. Showing anger will persuade the beggar for more.

13. A normal Delhiite will begin a conversation about your job history and qualification and maybe your salary. You can deny answering or just ask the same questions in return. It will be funny.

14. Don’t eat street food. There are many clean, inexpensive eateries around.

15. Delhi bus rides are good and people are definitely helpful. They might like to take pictures with you.

16. You must watch a superhit bollywood movies. Its full of dancing and singing.

17. Delhiites will respect you more if you are from US or UK. They generally don’t know much about other countries.

18. Delhi is an expensive city. But you can find a meal from 20rs to 2000rs or even much more than that.

19. Indian lavatory looks funny. But it has lot of good scientific aspects that are proven.

20. You can go to a cheap cafe and hang out with the locals. Its going to be a lot of fun.

21. Tipping is customary. Assure the waitor a good tip before serving and see the magic.

22. Delhi has the Asia's biggest wholesale electronic market called "Nehru Place". It does not come under the sightseeing spot. But its a must see. You can buy an apple software installation package which includes everything for as low as $8.

23. Don’t judge the entire delhi by the ghettoing area of PaharGunj which is the hub of all backpackers. Some Delhi properties are way more expensive than Manhattan.

24.  You must eat Butter Chicken in Delhi. Its amazing and available in every restaurant.

25. If you stay in Delhi for long its going to be addictive. Believe you!

Some useful information for foreigners
Railway Assistance:
International Tourist Bureau
(for Train Reservation & Indrail Passes)
1st floor, New Delhi Railway Station Paharganj side
Timing : 9.30 am to 6.00 pm
International & Domestic air Ticketing :
Delhi Tourism
N-36, Bombay Life Building,
Middle Circle, C.P., New Delhi - 110001
Timing : 9.30 am to 6.00 pm
For Extension of Visa :
The foreigner's Regional Registration Office (F.R.R.O.)
Hans Bhawan, Tilak Bridge, New Delhi
Timing : 9.30 am to 1.30 pm; 2.00 pm to 4.00 pm
Permits for Restricted Areas :
Ministry of Home Affairs,
Lok Nayak Bhawan, opp. Khan Market, New Delhi
(Monday to Friday Timing : 10 am to 5 pm)
Money Exchange :
(Beyond Bank Hours)
i) State Bank of India, I. G. I. Airport, 24 hours
ii) Central Bank of India, Ashok Hotel, 24 hours
iii) Delhi Tourism, N-36 Bombay Life Building, Middle Circle, C.P. New Delhi - 110001
(Monday to Saturday) Timings : 9.30 am to 6.00 pm

Monday, 5 March 2012

House Hunting: Damn Delhi!

Staying in Guest houses and friends' places was not really helping, I hated staying with relatives. I even tried those tacky hotels in those mangy lanes of the black hole of Pahargunj for 7k per month but I needed a home, after all home is where the heart is. But I guess I have to stay "hale and hearty" for a while. It’s such a horrifying task to find a nice home when you are single, non- Hindi speaking and on top of that you carry loads of "Farang" attributes. I could foresee only problems, leering eyes, snide remarks subjected to rejection.

Amar colony
The hub of refugees so I thought it’d be easy to fit in. South Delhi was always my favorite. Close to my work place, my friends stayed nearby plus all the happening places in Delhi is in very close vicinity.
I met this landlord after referring to a TOI ad.
Rooms with no windows running through a vestibule similarly seen in the trains. He made me stop there and started investigating my eating habits and drinking habits and about my friends and so on. He looked so cool with this reebok shorts and banana republic t-shirt but his uncool attitude towards me really pulled me up from there. I am not living here.

Amar Colony 2

It started with a door bell that sings "Rigga Rigga" from that Slumdog flick. After general investigation he watched me carefully while sipping his sound tea. Its been more than 2 weeks from my last waxing session so generally my arms had few poky hair coming out. He sheepishly asked me "Why do you shave your hands and what does your tattoo mean there", It was way too embarrassing. But i gulped it with a dash and managed to reply somehow to convince him that my tat looks awful and ugly with hair covering it so it’s better shaving it off to keep it look good. I would have agreed to stay there if he didn’t shake my hand way more than normal. Alongside his teen age daughter peeped in and giggled to her mom softly in hindi "he looks so different!!".


"You cant park car here, your friends can't park theirs. There is no provision you see my son."
That was merely an issue.
"I hope you are not Muslim because you didn’t tell me your surname"
There it struck me. We Indians shout about so much about racism but it’s rampant amongst Indians than any other country. That too in the capital.
"Why can't I be Auntie?" I candidly replied.
"No Son I have a problem there".
I knew she didn’t have any problem anywhere other than her mind. I decided not to stay there with such shallow minded people around. Though I am not Muslim but I have many good muslim friends. It will be an insult to them if I lived there.

Kailsh Colony

Finally it happened. Money talks. I think it talks, flies and does anything. I finally got a fantastic landlord who hardly interacts with me, he even turns on the water pump for me and takes care of my stuff when I am not around. He even serves me good food occasionally. He doesn’t mind if I come back late in the night or bring someone home over in odd hours. He doesn't mind if I am in my swimming trunk or wear a bra on my shirt. His only objection is towards loud music which I don’t play at all. And it all happened because I m paying him good money every month and I don’t regret it. My freedom is more important than anything. And I was able to buy it. And here I lived…. happily ever after.